Thursday, June 24, 2010

Walmart Wackiness

I try to avoid Walmart AT ALL COSTS.

I cannot emphasize this enough, but sometimes, you know, it's just necessary. Every time I go to the Walmart closest to our house (which is not close at all which is one of many reasons I hate going), I see the strangest things. The patrons and employees are straight up crazy...

like the time I saw the SKINNY, 50-60 year old woman in the daisy dukes so short you could see a peek of her cheek;

or the time the toddler got her head stuck in between the bars of one of the Subway chairs up front by the registers and was SCREAMING bloody murder and no one could figure out how to get her removed;

or the time I saw a man shopping in a black cape;

or when the very feminine, young man hovered around me singing to himself very loudly and obviously wanting to be applauded for his mediocre American Idol voice.

So you get the picture. This particular Walmart (all Walmarts?) seems to be a magnet for weird folk.

I went to Walmart yesterday. I needed some odds and ends. When I was checking out, the woman at the register says, "You must be havin a party," and picks up my green cocktail napkins and kinda shakes them. "This is what gave it away." I respond in the affirmative.

Then she transitions and says, "My boyfriend and I want to have a country wedding because we country people, but the only problem is we having it in February."

Now, here was my dilemma: Is this an issue because they wanted to have in outside in the midst of the beloved country? Should I suggest having it at an indoor venue but still somewhere out in the country? Should I recommend specific venues? Am I overstepping my bounds by giving a stranger advice? But she presented the problem to me, so maybe she wants advice.

Instead, I said, "Oh. Well, that will be romantic." You know since it's in February and all.

She continues, "My manager told me that my husband is just going to forget our anniversary." Presumably because it's close to Valentine's Day? I have no idea.

"But I told him that I'd be the one to forget it because grandmother's birthday is the same day we havin it. February 26th." I said, "Oh," and smiled. Should I say I'm sorry? I just don't know. I mean she chose the date, right?

Around this point, I had swiped my card, and she handed me my receipt, and I think I told her congratulations, but it's kinda a blur.

So I'm walking out, past the infamous Subway by the entrance of the store, and I look over, and there is a plainclothes Santa Clause sitting on one of the tall stools just watching people come in and out of the doors. Not eating, just watching. What is going on? Is he a pedophile? A Santa disguise is the most pernicious lure I can think of. Now, I say Santa Clause, but honestly his beard was actually a little longer than I picture Santa's. Think more ZZ Top. Oh, and he had on a bonafide top hat, too.

Thank you. Come again.


Silver Strands said...

hahahaha .. entertaining post today!

Kerry said...

I agree, if you're looking for some crazy people entertainment, Walmart is most definately the place to be.

kawooten said...

laughing uncontrollably.... and I shop there...